Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
