This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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