just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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