Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
