true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
