New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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