We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
