Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
