If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The air was thick with penises
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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