apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
