gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
