so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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