I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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