i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
