dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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