You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
