I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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