I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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