first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
