you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
