its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
