I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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