I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
