Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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