Plan B is the new Plan A
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
