I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I sprained my soul last night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
