she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
