My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
