i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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