I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
