And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
