Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
