I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
