Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
