Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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