Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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