I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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