I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
