I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize