i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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