Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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