I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
