i just wanna soil my oats bro
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
