Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
