How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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