I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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