every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
