I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
