totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found puke in my bra..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
