is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
