John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
