Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The air was thick with penises
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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