I have demons in me.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
