the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
