apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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