I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My life is pants optional.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
