I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
