sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
