If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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