He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
