Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is it because I queefed?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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