I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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